Agape

Has you experienced a huge need for things you've always taken for granted?

One of the top things in my "took for granted" list is fellowship in my church back home. The deep things of God addressing the deep needs of my soul kind of conversations. I have a handful of friends I enjoy fellowshipping with here in Vancouver. Yet, nothing comes close to those raps, after service meals, surprise birthday parties, family camps, coffees with friends, etc.., etc...

I have been attending a bible study since September. The group is a nice mix of age groups including 5 university students. As for me, I get along better with people my age or older. I have trouble mixing with people younger than me because I cant seem to enjoy a nice meaningful conversation with young adults.

The leader of my group is young and the apprenticing couple is also very young. Coming from a background of solid Bible teaching, its hard to deal with messages and conversations that don't draw out the deep things. So, I sit there questioning and judging and wondering about what people are saying. Many times, in the course of the study, God's showing me how He has no trouble meeting people where they are at in their walk with Him. We are all at different points in our journey after all. 

One evening, before leaving for the study, I sat down to pray. As I was asking God to prepare my heart for the study I felt God impressing on my heart to stay quiet, to not say anything at the study. He was asking me to just be quiet and that was going to minister grace to the group. I knew what God was asking me to do and planned to do it His way.

At the study, people began sharing what they thought God was showing them. These university kids were sharing things that did not make sense to me and right then a great need to speak was surging within me. In my head I knew this was good stuff and the group would greatly benefit from. So at the next opportunity, I shared my thoughts. The moment I finished saying everything I wanted to say, I felt God's rebuke. His Spirit was showing me that I may have very good content but I wasn't sharing from a place of agape love. My behavior was not Spirit led or Spirit controlled. But I thought I shared a very fantastic thought... I was not comfortable and in response to the Lord's beckoning, I entered a time of prayer. God showed me I wasn't Spirit led or Spirit controlled. I wasn't acting very different from Nadab and Abihu who acted out of God's will and timing.

I catch myself acting like them all the time. When Christianity becomes a process and the love of Christ is not constraining me, I'm just a clashing gong...a noisy person.

I prayed "Lord, how I want a heart that's rooted in Jesus, radiating His love, mercy and grace at all times and with everyone...not age specific grace, not race specific or denominationally different but greater grace....because that's what I receive from You every moment."